The Cult of Christmas

12195_10151307215696067_160333929_nI know exactly how many hours it is until Christmas.

I know this not because I am particularly good at figuring things out. Its not because I have any Rain Man tendencies towards time or dates of significance.
I don’t sit there and go ‘3….2….1. Its Christmas! Hurrah’ (resets clock in head) ‘Right everybody its (pause, eyes flickering)….. its 144 hours till New Year! Come on everybody lets count!’

Contrary to what my job title states I’m also not really that good with numbers and time is a concept I sometimes have issues with.

No, the reason I know exactly how many hours it is until Christmas because I see it every day on Facebook, Google or any other number of electronic places I drop into during the day. When I log on its there, normally accompanied by a large man in a red suit grinning manically.

It‘s as if suddenly someone has woken up this year, created an app and the whole world has gone countdown mad.

Last week before the non-event which was the supposed end of the world there were more Christmas countdowns than ‘we’re all going to die a fiery death’ ones. Even knowing we were not going to vapourise on Friday I would have thought someone would have leveraged this new, state of the art, technology to count it down for us.
But no. Not one. Now prioritisation isn’t my strong point but……

The whole woo-ha around Christmas does baffle me. I have pointed out my religious viewpoint a number of times in this blog so you wont be surprised that the impending anniversary of the birth of a major player in Christendom doesn’t really float my boat much. I therefore find it somewhat odd to see grown adults excitedly clapping their hands like Priscilla Queen of the Desert as the big day approaches on their Facebook countdown app thingy.

Given its such an alien concept to me and in keeping with my other blogs I have tried to understand why this is. What is it which drives people to act like yuletide lunatics with no concept of self esteem or fiscal responsibility during the month of December.

Without wanting to bore you and as this is a short blog I will dispense with my usual heavy technical analysis to prove to you my study wasn’t soiled with any form of bias. Suffice it to say it was lengthy, I used large complex mathematical models, a big computer and a laser.

Now complete I can say that my findings astonished even me. I have proven, statistically & mathematically proven that is, that I am not wrong. Even on the ‘Harold Camping’ scale, the measure of mental-ness regarded by most of the worlds leading scientists as the only true measure, the results are off the chart.

A short extract of my findings which I have summarised into ‘Facts’ for easy simple digestion:

Fact 1. A significant segment of the population turn into cheesy grinning, boozy red faced idiots in the week(s) before Christmas.

Fact 2. The same segment also seem to forget the rules governing what is considered acceptable social behaviour as offices close for the period.
Fact 3. The vast majority of us shop like a piggy squealing, Iowa bomb shelter dwelling, patriot just before the government start closing in.

Fact 4. ‘It’s a wonderful life’ was actually a sober study into the effects of mixing different hallucinogenic drugs.

The conclusions of this study are as frightening as they are undeniable and I can only conclude that we are brainwashed by this creepy cult called Christmas. Why else would we act in such a way in the middle of Winter. This blog is therefore a call to arms. Please see it as a shining beacon of sanity amongst all the dribbling lunacy.

Reject Christmas.
Reject the bondage of Christmas cake, brussel sprouts, eating, drinking and spending far too much. Reject Ant & Dec’s Christmas special, reject Bambi, James Bond, the Great Escape and reruns of Morecambe and Wise. And yes, sorry but you have to reject Jimmy Stewart too.

Then and only then will we all be truly free and sane. Probably.

Either that or I’m just a boring c*&t with too much time on my hands.

P.s. Merry Christmas in 8hrs, 9mins!

Judgement Day

So apparently the world was due to end, as I sit here typing, yesterday.the-terminator

Looking around, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the little stream next to my house is babbling and my son is trying to figure out if our pet rabbits like to eat stones. All in all, if this is the end of the world then I’m not sure what all the fuss was about.

I have to add that scheduling it on a weekend was also pretty thoughtful of god.

No, of course the world didn’t end yesterday just because some mental preacher from the arse-end of America decides this will be the case. Apparently he worked out the date of damnation by interpreting the bible, in particular the concept that one day in gods time = 1,000 years in human time. A similar concept to dog years, just a bit longer.

This god-year concept allows Harold Camping, the stupidly named evangelist at the center of these claims, to calculate forward from the flood of Noah – the date of which according to him has been precisely proved at 4,990BC. This date is completely accurate his website states without offering any further proof.

From this point, with these facts (wild assumptions) it’s a case of straightforward addition which would brings us to May 21st 2011 – judgement day. This is the day a great earthquake will shake the earth, then 150 days from this earthquake the world will be destroyed.

Now it’s easy for me with the benefit of hindsight to point out that nothing happened yesterday but that aside there are some other, minor flaws, in what is otherwise a clearly well thought out and robust theory.

1. The concept of god-years, this is taken from a passage quoting god which reads something like ‘for me a day is like a 1,000 years’. I for one don’t read this a definitive proof that god years exist, I say shit like this all the time. That meeting went on forever. The weekend flew by – it only felt like a couple of hours. Could it be that god was just pointing out, given all the work he needs to get done, that it just felt like a 1,000 years.
Perhaps the task of Creation was so fucking dull it just felt like a 1,000 years.

2. Let’s assume for a second that god years do exist then my next issue is – why doesn’t this apply to the 150 days between earthquake and destruction? If he was to tell me that actually the world will end, not this October but 150,000 years from yesterday I would be distinctly less twitchy. Alternatively, perhaps he got his decimals confused and what god actually meant to say was 0.15 days or roughly 1 ½ hours (god time). With such ambiguity existing can you imagine the panic and confusion back when god is proclaiming all this:

A hill somewhere dusty and desert-like. Dark leaden clouds hang heavy above – awaiting a signal from the almighty. There’s discord within the assembled crowd, one brave man, bearded and wearing a dust covered sheet steps forward.

‘With the greatest respect god, erm, but that’s not really giving us much time is it?’

God looks down at the man and around at his gathered flock, he smiles at their childlike logic.

‘But lo hear me proper my child, for me 1 day is a thousand of your earth-years. 1 ½ hours is 150 days’ he smiles warmly

‘No I got that piece god, but still, 7 days, 150 days? – it’s not that long, really. Is it 7 days and 150 days of your days or our days? – its sorta, kinda, well, important you know’

He smiles again, this time trying to understand the confusion
‘My days’ he says quietly and then whispers to a nearby angel hovering at his shoulder ‘It is isn’t it?’

The crowd visibly relaxes, after a few seconds a particularly smart small child shouts out proudly ‘2011?’ (or he would’ve shouted this if he knew that that day was actually recorded in reverse around a date nearly 5,000 years in the future when someone called Jesus would be born).

God looks down at the small child and booms loudly ‘well done my child’.

There is back smacking and high 5’ing all around, people are starting to move away, relieved and the cloud still sits there, intact.

The child meekly approaches god.

‘So if that’s right god, then the actual, real, bonafide, end of the world will be, 2011 plus 150,000 years, right?’.

God looks to the angel, the angel just shrugs.

A little irritated now he responds ‘My child, do not worry yourself with such matters, mathematics, science and logic are not part of the deal. Faith in your lord is all that matters, ok?’

The child looks up disappointed ‘ok, I guess’ and then starts to walk away, kicking the sand, deep in thought. He suddenly turns around, a big smile on his face.

‘The year AD152,011?’

‘Shut the fuck up would you?’ With that god ascends back up, pissed off.

It starts to rain.

If the world is to end then so be it, if it was yesterday or in 150,000 years from now, there is not a lot you or I could do about it so what’s the point of worrying, or for that matter knowing about it.

I would suggest that given I am capable of typing this in the sunshine on a balmy Sunday afternoon Mr Camping will be keeping a very low profile right now.

I am also very sure that anyone who converted, in a last ditch attempt to cover all bases, will be significantly less likely to do so again and this leaves me wondering as to the motivation to speak out in the first place…